This is a letter i wrote today to connie

 Connie,
You know this is to you. Its not hidden, its here for you. Ive been thinking about it ever since I read yours. Thinking of what to say. Which words to choose. How to word it just the right way so it doesnt come back and smack me in the face. I made a mistake. I knew I made a mistake 2 seconds after everything came out of my mouth. But I couldnt take it back. I really wish I could take it back but I know you dont. I know your happy now. I know everythings going great for you. When I saw your sister yesterday I saw you. Many things are a reminder of you. I see a hubcap on the side of the road and I think of the one I gave you. I cant drive by the park you took me to without thinking of you. I cant play ddr without thinking of the countless nights wed sit side by side trying to get the stupid pads to work, only to fail and sit playing with the controllers. I cant look at my homecoming dress and not remember one of the happiest nights of my life, which consisted of being by your side. I cant pass many places and not think of the times we were there together.I cant see an acoustic guitar without thinking of dessere. You were such a huge part of my life even if it was only for a little while. You say you dont know why I did what I did or the actions I took. I figured out all the reasons why or most of them to me at least. I was scared. So scared connie, more then ive ever been in my life. You were amazing. Amazing to me. Caring and sweet. You looked at me like no one else did. You saw many things other people did not. You loved me. Love. Thats what scared me the most. No one loved me ever before like you did. It was new. And new things are frightening. That night was one of the worst nights of my life. The night I handed you your heart back. I did not mean alot of the things I said that night. I still dont mean them today. I pushed you away. Because I did love you. I was scared of loving someone. I still do love you. I think a part of me always will connie. That right there is the hardest thing to say to you, that I still do love you and that ive loved you all these months weve been apart. All these months that youve been mean and bitter towards me. Your words hurt and sting because I do care. You may think I dont and that I dont love you but you arent me. You said the other day you know my sins. Breaking up with you wasnt a sin, it was a mistake. A mistake that Id give up everything in the world to change but I cant. Your happy. Amy makes you happy. Amys a really sweet and great person from what I can tell. I remember when you first started talking to her after we broke up. I would get so jealous that you would rather talk to her on the phone then me but I didnt tell you. I remember after we broke up the phone conversations we would have where you would cry. Id cry too but I didnt tell you. I didnt tell you because I knew it wouldnt matter. This letter isnt hidden like my other one was. This ones out there for you. Intended to be seen by your eyes. Your eyes that slightly turn down at the ends. The ones I used to look into. The ones that use to hold love for me but now just show the bitterness you hold. Your right. Its not right to hold in all these things for so long. I guess thats why im pouring all these things out to you. Things I havent poured out to anyone or on any paper. And none of this will make a diffrence on how you feel about me or view me. I wish it all did. I wish it all made things better. Made things like they used to be. I miss it. I miss it all. I miss you. God I miss you. Ive sat here re-writing and deleting and fixing and putting this letter together forever. Ever since I saw yours. I re read the poem you wrote to me after we broke up."I dont know what to call us,/But I like us /Are we an us?/I guess no, not anymore, /But we could be,/Just give me the word /Cuz thats the way its gonna have to be /The only way Ill know its real." We could be connie. Not now but someday we could be. It be nice. Im giving you the word, and its real. Its real, even more real then anything ever before connie. You never said when to give you the word, but im giving it to you now. I miss you. "If you still want me, then take me/Use all the strength you can muster/To take on your greatest fear." I want you but I cant take you. Im using everything I have right now to sit here and write all of this out. I wish I could sit down and say it all to you. Just me and you. Sit on a blanket in a park and say it to your face. Just have you sit and listen and when I was done do whatever you wanted. As you read this your probably feeling all of your bitterness towards me. Im sorry. I dont know how many times ive said it. But I guess sorry doesnt mean much to you. I wish I could show you. I wish I could show you everything Im feeling. Everything Ive been feeling since that night. What I would feel when you passed me in the hallway. When Id see your sn pop up on my buddy list. When I would see you or your friends at some random place. That night at the harry potter book party was torture. I couldnt look you in the eye. I couldnt be on the same floor level as you. I wish I could have at least said a hello to you. Or at least look into your eyes. It killed me to see your parents there that night. Standing about 15 feet away from me. Your parents are some of the nicest people I have ever met. I couldnt look in their direction for more then 4 seconds without wanting to cry or run. Because when I saw them I thought of all the times I was with you around them. The first time I had dinner with your family and I got ketchup on my shirt, and I helped with the dishes. Or the time we went to fuddruckers and we had dinner with them and you got me that littler hamster finger puppet out of the little machine. I still have that hamster. I have all the letters you wrote me during school too. I have the note that you stuck in my math book which was in your locker that says I love you written in blue marker. I have the note you wrote me the day after I met your family that tells me you had an amazing time. Ive got the note that gives me the combination to your locker that has I love you written all down the side of the margin because class got slow and you wanted to copy me. I have the letter that talks about you being worried about your appointment with your therapist when you were worried to tell your parents that secret and that you just wanted a hug from me. "I love you so much and I miss you. I love being with you and kissing you, holding you, talking with you, I just love everything we do together. I love when you run your hands through my hair and tickle my stomach and the way we drink soda at the movies. I love touching you-your hands,your legs, your ass- I just love you so much." You wrote that to me. And as I read it again I miss all of thoes things. I miss it connie. I miss it all and I miss you. I have the note that says "I keep that picture that you gave me by my bed and look at it every 5 minutes." I wish you still had that picture. I wish you still had alot of things. I wish you still had me. I have the note where you say, " I have no idea what I did to deserve you." No connie, I have no what I did to deserve you then. I dont know what I did to have such a great and amazing person like you. Ive got the note that goes on about you being sorry for being jealous of me hugging fernado. You had no reason to be jealous. You had me then, you still do now. I have the note you wrote me on our one month. The day I made you cupcakes. I have the note that goes on about you being sorry for pressing me to kiss you in the hall way. It says, "God all of tgoday that SOCO song "Bad Day" has been stuck in my head. theres these two lines: Its been a bad day, another bad day/ and all I wanna do its look at you and know I'm okay. I know your not a big SOCO fan, but I think that sums up today. Only I think youre upset with me, but being with you always makes me feel better, I hate that I upset you though because I dont want you to hurt and I want to protect you and look after you." Ive re read that part over and over. I feel that way towards you. I Just want to make you feel better. And i hate it so much that I hurt and upset you. I just wanna be there for you. I have every note you have ever written me. They all have two things in common. They all say I love you. And they all are adressed to Sweetness. Your sweetness. That was me. Your sweetness and you were My baby. Out of everything I had with you and all the memories nothing will mean more to me then the one im about to tell you. When we first started going out and we went to tony shadmans end of the year concert thing. It was my first date with a girl and being out about it. I remember sitting inbetween your legs. I remember feeling your cargo shorts against me. Your red hat on backwards. I remember sitting there with your arms wrapped around me and my back pressed against your chest. The band started to play yellow by cold play. You put your mouth next to my ear and softly began to sing the words to me. I remember that time everytime I hear that song or think of you. Id give anything to have that moment happen again. That moment means so much to me connie. It will always been a time I will remember and think of as one of my most happiest memories. Just like the memory of you giving me that cd you made for me. The one with yellow on it, and phantom planet, and Constantine and all the other songs you put on there for me to listen to. To listen to and think of you. "I never knew how much you loved me. I'm missing you. I never knew how much you ment to me, I need you." That sums this whole letter up. It started out as a response to yours and turned in to something completely diffrent. I dont know if it changed anything. Even if I didnt I needed to get it out. Like you said holding these feelings in for so long isnt good. I love you connie and I miss you. I did then, I have this whole time and I still do. I will always in a way. Please dont regret me or the us that there was. It shaped us both in a way. It made me want to be better. I do regret one thing though. I regret letting you go and never letting you know that. But at least you know it now. At least you know all of it now. You know Connie.

Jessica

I sit here in the early morning hours watching the sun come up and graces its light across the land. Its a rather beautiful starts to what is suppose to be a dark and dreary day.

See what comes out of my mind when its really early?

I dont know whats in store for the day. Most likely tanning with Miss Kat so we are not the palest people on the beach this weekend. Im looking forward to the beach top but dreading leaving my lap top here. If I had wireless internet i could take it with me but alas I do not. My lap top is like an extension of me. Its how i can stay in touch with people who normally I can not. Its how I purge thoughts from my body. Its how I learn new things about other people.  Its only four days though. How hard could it be?

" She sat there on that soft blanket. The blanket ever so gently laid upon the grassy field. Her sun dress neatly dropped atop the blanket as she sat. One stroke down, half stoke up and down again. Repeat. Stroke up, stroke down, stroke up and down. As she did notes began to fly off the violin. She closed her eyes and just played. As she played she could hear the music lift off the strings. With the music along went everything she was feeling. The hurt with the sorrow and the pain with the worry. It all went away when she played. Sitting there playing on that soft blnaket that was ever so gently laid upon that grassy field was her time. However she could feel someone near by watching her...."

I see this journal as something more for me than anything. This one hardly anyone knows about. And the  people that do I dont really talk to much because i dont see them at school as much.

I was thinking this morning after something that happened with my mom. I cant be happy when im around her sometimes. Alot of things stem from her. She says shes fine with me being gay but little things she says get to me and make me think other wise. I just want her to love me. Shes the only one that does. If I lose that ive lost all my love im getting.

I just wanna be happy. I just wanna be cared for.

I had a really good dream last night. I wish it would happen. But its fine. Im happy with it as a dream.

Today should be a good day. I hope.